"Rest", is what she said, and continued with "He's not telling you to do it, He's going to give it to you." My friend sensed the Lord impressing on her these words for me a few weeks ago and I received them...still do.
I'm tired and weary.
We're moving. Oh wait! Now we're not moving, but we're still moving. Confusing, I know. Let me explain a bit. California is not happening right now and I really have no idea when it will. Meanwhile, we are staying...in New Mexico. On the other hand, we're moving out of the house we've been in for almost a year. It will be a year when we do, only a year, as all the other recent time frames-of-stays have looked in the past. Instead, we are heading to a beautiful, spacious mountain valley called Eagle Nest (overlooking a lake, in fact), just 45 minutes through the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. Now let me clarify something: anywhere around the northern New Mexico mountains are beautiful; where we live now is beautiful, but that's not the point of the move. This has nothing to do with discontent; it has everything to do with following God's lead. For what reason this time, we have no idea. We just know to obey and follow.
I'm tired and weary. Oh yeah, I already wrote that...but I am.
This will be the 25th move we've made in 18 1/2 years of marriage. I am 40 years old...and "old" needs to be strongly emphasized because that is how my body is feeling. Moving does not do a body well when one is not in shape. Yeah I know, that should be a clue to get in shape, right? But a previously fractured lower back brings on a bit of difficulty in this area. (Ok, that's no excuse, but I tried)
These past few days have been like a roller coaster ride of emotion like never before. Feelings of anguish, sobbing, convulsing sobs overcame me the other night; feelings that hit like a two by four. (If these are the tears I've prayed for several years I take it back! Tears of joy are what I want; yet, I suppose "joy" does not always mean "happy". I experienced tears of empathy...sheer heart-wrenching-brokenness. Could this be a new gifting? Hm, it hurt too much. I don't know that I want it; but what do I know.) Hormones haven't helped. Yesterday, overwhelming waves of feeling came over me. Moving again. Therefore, in just one month I need to be ready to do so...house packed.
May I "whine" a little on here and just be plain honest with y'all? Wait, first I will say that I am truly grateful for the "manna" God has provided for my family. In addition, I am extremely thankful for the "tents" He has "set up" for us over the years. What blessings! (Yes, I parallel this with the wilderness experience of the Israelites...and I know that whining could cost me another several years...I know...so I am taking a risk in my honesty. May I not forget that Grace has since entered HisStory.)
Ok, here goes:
*I'd like for a year to go by and not have to think about packing for another move. Instead, I'd much rather enjoy the thought of planting flowers and cultivating a plot of yard for a vegetable garden...and then watch it all grow!
*Now that I'm home schooling my daughters I'd like to be able to not have to think about if I can afford this next year's curriculum because that money is being used on moving expenses...and fixing a broken car.
*If we lived in one place for more than two years maybe, just maybe some family members might take an interest in considering moving near us. Or maybe other family members...and even friends could "plan" to just visit.
*We have a variety of "roots" planted in several places in this country and frankly I'd like for a root to take hold and continue growing, but "where oh where will that be?" I wonder.
*I have to admit, moving is adventurous and exciting because we get to experience new beginnings of all kinds; however, after 25 times I'd like to experience that adventure as a vacation knowing that when the week is over our destination is back at "home". We've had to use our vacations as moving days. They've been fun in the past, but definitely not relaxing, refreshing, or restful.
Does all this make sense to anyone? Have I lost it? Gone off the deep end? Flipped my rocker? We all want these things. That's the normal life.
However, I don't live in it.
All these wants and desires...that are normal and common...can surely be asked of my gracious, loving God, but are they His best for me? Are they His will for my family's life? I don't believe that we've been "wandering in the wilderness" because we are not floundering to find our way; but I do believe that God has called us (my family) to jump in with both feet from one "Jordan River" to the next in faith and trust that He knows best and has a plan for us (see Jeremiah 29:11), a plan not to harm us...or disappoint us...but one that gives us a future and a hope.
Ok...so now that we've "jumped" and have landed in the "flooded waters" moving forward in this plan of His (and I've stopped whining) I'll keep trusting and holding on to what He spoke to me through my friend,
"Rest. I'm not telling you to do it, I'm going to give it to you."
I can only hope and pray that "rest" will look like a very long break in our moving journey...soon. Maybe I ought to reach down in this river we're standing in and grab a stone and write "REST" in capital letters, hold onto it and watch it happen. I refuse to be swept away by the "flood waters"...oh wait, what flood waters? The riverbed is dry!
Enjoying My Kup...
Cindy
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